I have been many things in my life so far. An Actor in Film and TV, a Commercial Pilot, a Business Co-Owner, a Marketing Director and an Events Coordinator at a Major City Art Gallery.
Like most humans I have a story! And until recently my life was driven by that story and the meaning I gave to the events of that story.
I was born in the sixties to an alcoholic father who was studying to be an ordained minister at a church that many would consider a cult.
Growing up in the chaos of a drunken home as well as being burdened with being gay in an intolerant family, and being imposed upon with an intolerant religion all during intolerant times, created a huge and inconsolable pit of shame for me.
All through my youth my Father was totally absent. He would mostly come home late at night, inebriated, and collapse on the couch in the living room. The stench of stale whiskey and beer filled the room as my two brothers, my sister and I ate breakfast with my father snoring loudly in the background. This was a totally normal start to the day in our family. It was never questioned.
My parents had little time to raise us. My father’s priority was drinking. My mother’s priority was propping up the family image, doing damage control and perpetuating the myth that my father was a “Good Man”. (Today my mother and I enjoy a strong connection and a healthy relationship. I love her very much.) It was the classic codependent alcoholic family dance and I became the classic first born hero child of an alcoholic family. For me, growing up gay, surrounded by intolerance and in a family structure marred by alcoholism, was crippling. There can be no deeper wound inflicted on a child by their parents when the message they give, is that the child is “unacceptable.”
Sometime I wonder how it was that my parents were so oblivious to my desperate screams for help, love, recognition and acceptance. Even my trashed room and bloodied face from the terrible nightmares I had throughout my childhood were not enough to get my parents attention.
I remember as a child and into my teenage years feeling the deep pain and unexplainable loss of my absent alcoholic father. Those feelings later turned into rage.
After my father drank himself to death in 1994, I asked my mother if he ever held me as a child at all. That’s how it felt to me.
I moved forward into a dysfunctional and wounded adulthood using alcohol, workoholism, debting, codependency and later sex to numb my pain. I ran as far away from my home, my family and myself as I could to escape from “me,” but there was never really a place far away enough to run.
The few adult relationships I had over the years were mostly a recreation of my childhood relationship with my dysfunctional alcoholic father. I attracted broken men to fix in the hopes that somehow I could fix my relationship with my father. I tried to recreate father, son relationships which never worked and just perpetuated the hurt.
Deep down I always felt I was putting a tiny band aid on a great big massive, bleeding wound. But it was unclear to me what that core wound was, and so the shame amassed and the burden became unbearable and the compulsive and destructive behavior got darker and more devastating. I hurt others and I hurt myself.
When I was in my mid thirties I attended a weekend men’s healing retreat. I did some major rage work around my father. For days after, my fingertips felt burned and sensitive from the electric like energy that coursed through my body and out through my fingers. I lost my voice and couldn’t speak for days.
Later, in one catastrophic evening with lots of alcohol involved, truths were revealed about my behaviors and the damage I had caused to people that trusted me, was out in the open. During this time I had a complete personal break down, and anger and resentment towards my father bubbled up like an explosive volcano. I smashed a statue my father had given me and threw it into a lake, sobbing uncontrollably.
With my shame at an all time personal high, I slid into virtual isolation. I sunk into a deep depression and lay in bed for days on end. Systematically I burned through my life savings and went into massive debt. My business options crumbled one by one. I gradually reached that deep dark place of desperation again. I thought about “checking out” as an option to stop the pain.
We think we can manage and control our coping mechanisms but eventually they manage and control us. Then we hit bottom and we are faced with the core issues of our pain. We then have to face the events we were attempting to numb out and bury by using those coping mechanisms and its then that the deep healing begins.
During countless therapy sessions I would just crumble into a fetal position and cry like a two year old infant. My inner child was deeply traumatized and fearful of any contact with adults including grown up me. But I had no clear understanding of why.
After a year of intense therapy and countless 12 Step meetings in numerous different fellowships and while sobbing during a therapist session, I implored my Source to reveal what it was that I needed to know. What happed next I can only describe as the miracle of Grace and Healing.
With absolute certainty it was revealed to me that I had been repeatedly sexually abused as a child.
Two days after this revelation I broke down with stress and flu like symptoms. I spent days in bed unable to move. I lost my voice.
I had become willing to accept my father’s alcoholic insanity and his dysfunction up to a point but never beyond. Now all the pieces of my life’s puzzle fell into place. I now had the unquestionable clarity that every thought and every action in my life to this point had been influenced and affected by my childhood abuse. As a tiny child I was given the message that “Love” equaled “Being Sexualized.” My misguided understanding of love, sex and control and my lack of boundaries now began to make sense. The other message I got as a tiny child was that to be “Loving and Open” equaled “Abuse.” Naturally my defense mechanism growing up was to stay closed to love, relationships, growth and opportunity to avoid ever feeling that abuse again. Because I had no control over what happened to me as a child, I tried to control everything in my life from that point on.
Eventually I realized that by staying in the family myth I was preventing myself from connecting to Source and living a self approved life of purpose. I realized I could never manifest the abundance of life and love that the Universe and Source truly wanted for me unless I broke free of the story.
I realized From Source’s perspective of unconditional love, that two souls had some friction and one soul met another soul that was predestined to meet and one of those souls at a young age made up a meaning.
So I began the task of turning resentments towards my father and mother into forgiveness.
I have also done some pretty questionable things in my past and I have hurt people I loved in a really deep way.
I have made best attempts, where possible, to make direct amends to the people I have hurt and who’s trust I broke. And I am making living amends to those that I cannot make direct amends to by pursuing my own truth and serving others.
The name of the game is vulnerability. That’s what I am being called to do. And in my vulnerability is strength!
I know that everything that has happened in my life is pointing me to my life’s purpose which is to transcend my story and to immerse myself in serving others.
“My purpose is to nurture my own authenticity and quest for truth and as a result, share the birthright of inner divinity and alignment to Source that is the inheritance of every human being.”
Translation: “Welcome Home”
I am on fire when I connect to this purpose. It fills me with an overwhelming sense of finally “Coming Home.”
So with some fear but much excitement, I start this journey into the unknown with “The Daily Way Home.”
Thank you for reading my story
Much Love & Welcome Home.